Coping Mechanism

I think everyone has some form of a coping mechanism right? I know I do and before I go on I guess I should explain myself.


I've been through a lot of things, really, who hasn't? Yes, I am writing at two AM, I'm sort of tired, but I want to get things off my chest so I can sleep tonight. I've gone through a couple kinds of abuse ranging from bullying to a parent abusing me emotionally, I've cried on my own time, even before I sleep or in the shower. That's normal, I guess, not to want to cry in front of anyone, but lately my way of coping has changed.


Maybe it's easier to explain this through a list;


1. Realize the problem, react by staring at a wall.


2. Lay down and begin to cry.


3. Talk it out with boyfriend or bestie.


4. While talking about it, make it a joke and laugh.


5. Resume staring at nothing.


I've found tons of ways to cope in the past four years of the hardest time in my life. I write, draw or talk and repeat myself like a broken record. Now I am coping via a blog after a long day of hearing myself say 'Hah, this is really trivial!' but I can't get myself to believe it and after a deep discussion with my best friend, I realize that it really isn't that trivial and that it means the world to me.


How many of you have tried on a wedding dress with/without your mother being there? Those of you reading this that are girls anyway... well, if you are attached to your mom and she can't be there this might make more sense. It's not that my mother said she can't... it's just that, she acts like it doesn't matter or not if she is or isn't. Maybe this wouldn't be so hurtful if I had more people around. I have a very broken family and I know for a fact that I'd be standing there alone with the only friend I have close by to give me support and compliment. I know I'll cry, probably not just for the fact that I'm standing there in white, but also the fact that my mother may not be there and if she isn't, I'll be hurt terribly. 


So there it is, I'm getting married and something isn't really going the way I want it to, however, I'm denying it. I'm pretending it's funny and that I'm okay with it even though I'm not. 


In fact, it makes me feel very lonely. So, this is how I am coping with it, by talking about it and laughing because I don't want to cry over it since I've already done that part of my list. I might cry again... who knows? Trust me when I say this, I'm not angry, I'm just trying to convince myself that it's fine... when it's not. I guess I should try to sleep since this is off my chest and I know this isn't worth reading really... but I had to type so here it is. 


Also, that spray I used for Mugi is really kind of working, she's still getting behind the TV occasionally, but I hope she'll grow out of some of these things soon... getting her soft paws this week so she'll stop scratching on things that don't need to be scratched...


Like legs and hands.